counting the days.

I am not a genius, I would never be one. But I worked hard, and make sure that I don't waste my parents' money when they can afford to put me through private Pre-University, and I did Australian Matriculation. Mind you, this course is not as easy as it sounds as it requires consistent revision ans never ending stamina. There were times when I felt like I was at the end of the road but by God's grace, I was able to pull through.

I want to have a chance to study a degree, more preferably with a scholarship. I failed to apply for JPA when I was in the states because I was tricked. Before I flew to Iowa, the AFS officers discouraged us to apply for any sorts of scholarships. Before this I thought they were just making sure that we will complete our semester there successfully and so I took their advice to heart without thinking twice. Little did I know, my friends who were with me did not listen to the advice and made their moves to Washington DC for JPA interviews etc. It was by then that I knew that I was to naive to listen to them, while one of the AFS worker's daughter went to DC for the interviews too. I feel tricked and discouraged, and I felt like people would just do anything to make sure that their missions and aims were completed and reached, regardless of the well-being of other human beings. I was stupid to believe in them, and they did other things too, which frustrates me, but I would not mention it here.

You know what is more frustrating to know? Seeing your friends who went on the same exchange as you get offers from the local government while you watch and listen in pain. All I could do at that time was to hide my anger and sorrows in my heart. I waited for everyone in the house to be preoccupied with something else and I slid into the bathroom to take a shower. I turned on the hot shower and wept so hard, I blamed everyone, I wanted to swear loudly at their faces. I feel cheated, no I WAS cheated. I don't see the point of seeing another person's life crash in front of you and not offering any help. You know I need the scholarship more than anyone, more than the MARA scholars. Moreover, I am ever ready to work hard, if you could just give me a chance..

Another incident was coming up, and I was waiting impatiently everyday. I have the grades and qualifications. But still, knowing the local government and the quota they provide for non-bumiputeras, I could only pray and hope for the best. Matriculation. That was my only chance and if ever I get it, I would not waste my chance to save money for my education. When I found out that I was offered a place, I leapt for joy and you could not imagine how thankful I was. I also cried but because my family and friends in the states did not understand my situation nor did they make any effort to understand it, I kept quiet. Joy is overwhelming, but it is the other way round when you don't have anyone to share it with you, or when you have evil forces right at your neck. The intake was on May 12, if I am not mistaken. I would still be in the states! It wouldn't be for another 2 months until I will be back in Malaysia!

So my father drove all the way up to putrajaya to appeal on my behalf. I am ever grateful for his efforts and love, although they did not pay off. Our government didn't want to leave a place for me, because frankly speaking, they did not like the way I look. I have fairer skin tone than them, and I don't have "binti" in my name. My mother tongue is not Bahasa Malaysia. Another painful one-I scored better than their race.

When I received the news, I almost fell apart. I cried so hard but I was afraid that my eyes would be swollen and people would notice and ask me about it. I sweared in my heart, asked a million "whys" and felt lifeless. I am a Malaysian! I was borned in Malaysia! I have lived here all my life! I went to public schools since the day I started schooling! I studied Pendidikan Moral and Sejarah for the sake of SPM! And I got A+ for both subjects including BAHASA MALAYSIA!! Darn it don't you have any eyes?! I endured so much and this is what you gave me? You just slapped me right in my face, saying that it was too bad I am borned a Chinese? Do you want me to turn the other cheek too? It was worst as no one in the states understand my situation. Imagine living all alone and begging for help when no one understands you.....

Time, it healed me a little. I tried not to let all the sorrows and pain get in my way and continued life as a normal high school kid who just want to have fun. But deep inside, the wounds were still fresh and I am slowly drifting away... God caught me and I want to trust in Him. For all things, give thanks.

I came home almost healed when I heard another breaking news. Another friend who went on the same program was in the same dilemma too. But she fulfilled the requirements set only by the government of Malaysia. So instead, she kept her place. Imagine all the scars felt painful again all at the same time? They cracked.

Back home. 2 weeks later, I had the opportunity to talk to my teacher, who is now in the Local Matriculation as a lecturer. He asked me about my life and all..and we started talking about my education. It was then that I found out that they allowed third batch intake(!) for the Malays. Those places were previously given to the Chinese but for reasons such as 1. they were offered better scholarships and left and 2. people like me who couldn't make it to intakes and 3. plain rich people who don't have to consider about their education finances. Oh please, if you already know that you are not going to accept the offer, why apply in the first place? You would only give them more chances and excuses to slid in more of their races!!

I was already home when the 3rd intake happened.

Persecution, is what this is. Could you give me another word other than this?

Racism.

Selfishness.

Arrogance.

Heartless.

...

I should thank them for shaping who I am today, my thinking and my mindset. I am able to explore more and see more, leaving hatred behind for a while. You are stuck forever in your naive nutshells or some, eggshells. For me, I have freed myself, thanks to you. Although I still hope for a place in the Local University, I know my chances. Once more I put my hope in you. I dare myself to trust in you again, after all that you have done. I am suffering but that's alright, because I know that success doesn't come without pain. I am willing to put my heart up for bet once again. And I dare myself to let you tear open my scars. If you really do, then I have nothing else to say. They say once bitten twice shy but looks like I am the exception. I will proudly sew them back and this time, leaving no scars.

For when God opens doors, no one can close them.